Motherless Mother's To Be

I'm sure this is a very common experience. I personaly don't know many people who have lost their mothers, but I've seen communities online devoted to pregnant women who don't have their own mothers around. I've never joined, but mostly because it just seems pointless to remind myself daily of the saddest thing that's ever happened to me- of the one huge lack I feel throughout this pregnancy. I mean, if I had no legs I probably wouldn' spend a whole lot of time in running forums, right?

Anyway, today is mother's day. Technically my first mother's day, right? I mean, I am growing and nurturing a child of my own and I think that counts. I have been a hormonal mess the last few weeks and the mother's day commercials have not helped. There is one in particular where it shows a few people of various ages "calling" for their moms, and then it pans to a woman holding her new baby in a hospital and she says, "hi I'm your mom." Every time, I fall apart. All along I have realized that I am obviously going to have a baby at the end of this, but being somebody's mommy is totally different than that.

As I think about becoming a mom, I realize both my own shortcomings and my mother's shortcomings. I am thinking of all the ways I wish my mom was different, of all the things I would never change. And also all those things I thought I hated, but realized later in life just how useful they were.

I had my first "mom" meltdown yesterday. I think at 25 weeks that's a pretty good record! I had just dropped off a friend after finishing my registry, and I was in a grumpy mood from an annoying phone conversation and boom. I couldn't hold it together. It was the first time in a long time that I just said, "I want my mom." And that's really all I could think. I was irrationally melting down about not having anything done, or bought, or prepared. About my shower causing drama. About all sorts of things. And really, all I wanted my mother.

I don't know what she would think of most of the decisions I am making, but I know she'd just laugh and go along with whatever I wanted. I know she was a breastfeeding pro who could ease my mind about that (my biggest anxiety, aside from getting ready.) I know she loved babies more than anything and would never have to be asked twice to come help me in the weeks after with my house and baby, that I would always have a babysitter I could trust.

How does one replace that? You don't. No matter how many amazing sisters and friends you have. No matter what. And it's just plain not fair.

I will end my whining here for moment to just tell you that I have really had great support from many people- even when I don't really want it! Friends and family and church people have been lovely, supportive, informative, and helpful. I would never say that I am alone. I am just feeling like a piece of me is missing.

So, Matt just woke up and wished me a happy mother's day. And so begins the day of mixed emotions. I will be saying extra prayers for those motherless mothers and mothers-to-be on this mother's day. Please do the same.

25w1d