I am still so in love with that boy. For real.
Fun things to look forward to when I return- glucose tolerance testing, 28 week appointment, and the beginning of the third trimester!!
ktw
26w6d
Friday, May 22, 2009
Quick update...
... to say that I leave in just a few hours to spend the weekend away with my wonderful husband! We are off to NYC for the weekend where we will hang out, eat and see a Yankees game. What a difference 2 years makes:
I am still so in love with that boy. For real.
Fun things to look forward to when I return- glucose tolerance testing, 28 week appointment, and the beginning of the third trimester!!
ktw
26w6d
I am still so in love with that boy. For real.
Fun things to look forward to when I return- glucose tolerance testing, 28 week appointment, and the beginning of the third trimester!!
ktw
26w6d
Thursday, May 21, 2009
body talk.
At nearly 27 weeks I have heard every comment possible about my body. I've had women tell me how big I am, how small I am, how high or low I carry. I've had my doctor tell me I'm measuring perfectly, my weight shouldn't be of concern. I've also had mothers tell me to just wait and see how miserable I get- gee thanks. After a week long trip to Disney and a grand return to Yoga class I can say one thing- my body is foreign to me.
As a former dancer and someone who has always been extremely body conscious I have a really hard time with this. I mean, sure, there are days I just feel fat and would kill to have my waistline back. But this goes beyond even that. I really have no concept of my body and its capabilities anymore. Walking for a few hours at Disney left me feeling like my feet were bruised- though I am happy to say I pushed through and walked the whole 7 days, mmhmm! At yoga I have found that I am still very flexible (yep, I can still put both palms on the floor as long as I spread my feet a bit to accommodate the belly) however, I can no long turn my upper body. Reaching forward leaves me breathless and feeling like I am going to throw up. And a few squats (with about 25 extra lbs) feels like torture.
None of this is giving me much confidence in my birthing capabilities. I mean, I really have no concept at the moment of what my body can do, what feels comfortable, etc. The only thing I do know is that I could lay in modified child's pose for hours. Do you think you can birth in the position?!
Anyway. I am feeling blech. Exhausted beyond belief. If one more woman tells me (oh so kindly) about how much worse it's going to get or how huge I am I may actually eat their faces off. I mean, seriously, on what planet is that helpful? What about growing a child makes my body open discussion. Do I comment on your weight gain? Do I comment on how old you look? No. Because it's just not helpful. I guess is just goes to show that girls' catty-ness wasn't left in high school. It's still somehow hardwired in us that everything is a competition of some sort. Like we still need to justify our emotions and experiences by putting others down and commenting on their individual experiences.
For now, I will still with my doctor's comments. I am hopeful they know what they are talking about. I won't be concerned until they are concerned. I would still like a waistline, but I suppose that will have to wait. As for the birthing, I will just have to do yoga/movement more regularly to become more acquainted with this new body of mine- even if it will only be around for another few months.
ktw
26w5d
As a former dancer and someone who has always been extremely body conscious I have a really hard time with this. I mean, sure, there are days I just feel fat and would kill to have my waistline back. But this goes beyond even that. I really have no concept of my body and its capabilities anymore. Walking for a few hours at Disney left me feeling like my feet were bruised- though I am happy to say I pushed through and walked the whole 7 days, mmhmm! At yoga I have found that I am still very flexible (yep, I can still put both palms on the floor as long as I spread my feet a bit to accommodate the belly) however, I can no long turn my upper body. Reaching forward leaves me breathless and feeling like I am going to throw up. And a few squats (with about 25 extra lbs) feels like torture.
None of this is giving me much confidence in my birthing capabilities. I mean, I really have no concept at the moment of what my body can do, what feels comfortable, etc. The only thing I do know is that I could lay in modified child's pose for hours. Do you think you can birth in the position?!
Anyway. I am feeling blech. Exhausted beyond belief. If one more woman tells me (oh so kindly) about how much worse it's going to get or how huge I am I may actually eat their faces off. I mean, seriously, on what planet is that helpful? What about growing a child makes my body open discussion. Do I comment on your weight gain? Do I comment on how old you look? No. Because it's just not helpful. I guess is just goes to show that girls' catty-ness wasn't left in high school. It's still somehow hardwired in us that everything is a competition of some sort. Like we still need to justify our emotions and experiences by putting others down and commenting on their individual experiences.
For now, I will still with my doctor's comments. I am hopeful they know what they are talking about. I won't be concerned until they are concerned. I would still like a waistline, but I suppose that will have to wait. As for the birthing, I will just have to do yoga/movement more regularly to become more acquainted with this new body of mine- even if it will only be around for another few months.
ktw
26w5d
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Active Birthing Class.
So let's just say that I knew what I was getting myself into signing up for an "active birthing class" at the "family life center." Well. I thought I did! Our first week we spent most of the night being lectured about how doctors don't deliver babies, because labor is not an illness you need to be delivered from. We also felt kind of uncomfortable as it was obvious that our current choice of OB over midwife (which is one we are continually considering switching) was not so popular with our teacher.
Anyway. Tonight there were some really positive parts of class. Most exciting was when Betsy taught us how to feel for the baby and his/her positioning. She had me lay down and she starting moving and pushing a little and she said in the sweetest voice, "oh hi, baby!" It was kind of exciting. Even though I feel the baby all the time and find the butt or legs or something it was just really fun to hear someone talk to the baby that way. I also learned that the little sweeping movements I feel on my pelvic bone and in my lower abdomen were probably fingers. Basically the baby is tickling me! I love it!
Matt, however, may be scarred for life after this class even with the good parts. We watched this video from 1979 called "Birth in the Squatting Position" which literally just featured up close money shots of babies being born while their mother's squatted. It was pretty cool to see the babies just sort of, slide out. However, I will admit, watching it that closely was a bit much, even for me! I don't think Matt will ever want to come near me again after watching that happen to me!! I will spare you all the actual comments he made, though, mostly out of embarrassment.
I will end on another positive. I leave for Disney World tomorrow morning. Updates may be few and far between for the week. However, fun things to look forward to when I come home: Glucose testing, Interviewing Doulas, Having sit-down meetings with mid-wives... ohhhh and entering the 3rd and final trimester!
25w4d
Anyway. Tonight there were some really positive parts of class. Most exciting was when Betsy taught us how to feel for the baby and his/her positioning. She had me lay down and she starting moving and pushing a little and she said in the sweetest voice, "oh hi, baby!" It was kind of exciting. Even though I feel the baby all the time and find the butt or legs or something it was just really fun to hear someone talk to the baby that way. I also learned that the little sweeping movements I feel on my pelvic bone and in my lower abdomen were probably fingers. Basically the baby is tickling me! I love it!
Matt, however, may be scarred for life after this class even with the good parts. We watched this video from 1979 called "Birth in the Squatting Position" which literally just featured up close money shots of babies being born while their mother's squatted. It was pretty cool to see the babies just sort of, slide out. However, I will admit, watching it that closely was a bit much, even for me! I don't think Matt will ever want to come near me again after watching that happen to me!! I will spare you all the actual comments he made, though, mostly out of embarrassment.
I will end on another positive. I leave for Disney World tomorrow morning. Updates may be few and far between for the week. However, fun things to look forward to when I come home: Glucose testing, Interviewing Doulas, Having sit-down meetings with mid-wives... ohhhh and entering the 3rd and final trimester!
25w4d
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Motherless Mother's To Be
I'm sure this is a very common experience. I personaly don't know many people who have lost their mothers, but I've seen communities online devoted to pregnant women who don't have their own mothers around. I've never joined, but mostly because it just seems pointless to remind myself daily of the saddest thing that's ever happened to me- of the one huge lack I feel throughout this pregnancy. I mean, if I had no legs I probably wouldn' spend a whole lot of time in running forums, right?
Anyway, today is mother's day. Technically my first mother's day, right? I mean, I am growing and nurturing a child of my own and I think that counts. I have been a hormonal mess the last few weeks and the mother's day commercials have not helped. There is one in particular where it shows a few people of various ages "calling" for their moms, and then it pans to a woman holding her new baby in a hospital and she says, "hi I'm your mom." Every time, I fall apart. All along I have realized that I am obviously going to have a baby at the end of this, but being somebody's mommy is totally different than that.
As I think about becoming a mom, I realize both my own shortcomings and my mother's shortcomings. I am thinking of all the ways I wish my mom was different, of all the things I would never change. And also all those things I thought I hated, but realized later in life just how useful they were.
I had my first "mom" meltdown yesterday. I think at 25 weeks that's a pretty good record! I had just dropped off a friend after finishing my registry, and I was in a grumpy mood from an annoying phone conversation and boom. I couldn't hold it together. It was the first time in a long time that I just said, "I want my mom." And that's really all I could think. I was irrationally melting down about not having anything done, or bought, or prepared. About my shower causing drama. About all sorts of things. And really, all I wanted my mother.
I don't know what she would think of most of the decisions I am making, but I know she'd just laugh and go along with whatever I wanted. I know she was a breastfeeding pro who could ease my mind about that (my biggest anxiety, aside from getting ready.) I know she loved babies more than anything and would never have to be asked twice to come help me in the weeks after with my house and baby, that I would always have a babysitter I could trust.
How does one replace that? You don't. No matter how many amazing sisters and friends you have. No matter what. And it's just plain not fair.
I will end my whining here for moment to just tell you that I have really had great support from many people- even when I don't really want it! Friends and family and church people have been lovely, supportive, informative, and helpful. I would never say that I am alone. I am just feeling like a piece of me is missing.
So, Matt just woke up and wished me a happy mother's day. And so begins the day of mixed emotions. I will be saying extra prayers for those motherless mothers and mothers-to-be on this mother's day. Please do the same.
25w1d
Anyway, today is mother's day. Technically my first mother's day, right? I mean, I am growing and nurturing a child of my own and I think that counts. I have been a hormonal mess the last few weeks and the mother's day commercials have not helped. There is one in particular where it shows a few people of various ages "calling" for their moms, and then it pans to a woman holding her new baby in a hospital and she says, "hi I'm your mom." Every time, I fall apart. All along I have realized that I am obviously going to have a baby at the end of this, but being somebody's mommy is totally different than that.
As I think about becoming a mom, I realize both my own shortcomings and my mother's shortcomings. I am thinking of all the ways I wish my mom was different, of all the things I would never change. And also all those things I thought I hated, but realized later in life just how useful they were.
I had my first "mom" meltdown yesterday. I think at 25 weeks that's a pretty good record! I had just dropped off a friend after finishing my registry, and I was in a grumpy mood from an annoying phone conversation and boom. I couldn't hold it together. It was the first time in a long time that I just said, "I want my mom." And that's really all I could think. I was irrationally melting down about not having anything done, or bought, or prepared. About my shower causing drama. About all sorts of things. And really, all I wanted my mother.
I don't know what she would think of most of the decisions I am making, but I know she'd just laugh and go along with whatever I wanted. I know she was a breastfeeding pro who could ease my mind about that (my biggest anxiety, aside from getting ready.) I know she loved babies more than anything and would never have to be asked twice to come help me in the weeks after with my house and baby, that I would always have a babysitter I could trust.
How does one replace that? You don't. No matter how many amazing sisters and friends you have. No matter what. And it's just plain not fair.
I will end my whining here for moment to just tell you that I have really had great support from many people- even when I don't really want it! Friends and family and church people have been lovely, supportive, informative, and helpful. I would never say that I am alone. I am just feeling like a piece of me is missing.
So, Matt just woke up and wished me a happy mother's day. And so begins the day of mixed emotions. I will be saying extra prayers for those motherless mothers and mothers-to-be on this mother's day. Please do the same.
25w1d
Monday, May 4, 2009
What a difference a week makes.
So in the last week a lot has happened. Even though it's been pretty stressful, it's really a lot of good things. First, I have officially passed my doctoral candidacy exams making me candidate. Woot! This takes so much stress off me. The last thing to check off before I can head into official maternity leave is my dissertation prospectus which hopefully will not take too long. I am hoping to get a solid draft in by the end of May and defend it in June so that I can be done with it.
We went to the neurosurgeon about Matt's back last week, as well. As it turns out, he has one degenerated disc in his lumbar region and one herniated disc up higher. The herniation is probably what is causing him the shooting pains down the front (because the lumbar region would be the back apparently). The doctor was really optimistic and seems pretty certain that all will be fixed with a round of cortico-steroids and rest. He goes back in a few weeks to check. So many fears were eased with that appointment!
We are still in a stand still with our house. Urg. I think we are going to have someone come in and clean because between the two of use we are somewhat useless! Many people have offered to come help with the nursery which is so sweet; we will probably have to take them up on it cause there is plenty to do. Nothing is ever easy with us! Oh, no! We are not just painting, but also ripping out part of a wall, taking down all of the trim, staining new trim, and putting it all up. All that before we can paint or put together the crib and changing table! Egh.
I also had my birthday this week (the big 2-4) and just really felt blessed by everyone around me. Matt had to go away for business for my birthday, so we went out Thursday evening for dinner (after already having celebrated with most of my RPI friends Wednesday night and Thursday morning). Matt got me an automatic car starter for my new car, which is so exciting! Friday morning my sister showed up with a top hat, a bunch of balloons, flowers, candy, and Wawa fruit punch! I spent the day with friends getting lunch, manicure and pedicure. Lovely! Then I got to go out with my family for dinner.
Saturday, my dad took me and the family to a Yankees game, where we lost, which was a really good time.
So, all in all, a really good week.
I also went in for my 6 month check in. The doctor assured me there was no concern about my weight gain- even though I am a bit concerned! Her words, in fact, were "You're young, skip desserts after you have the baby and you'll be fine." She also gave me the okay to head to Disney next week (yay!) and the script for my glucose test. I am actually quite nervous about the glucose test. She says she would be "shocked" if it came back positive, but I'm not sure she could really judge that by looking at me. I think most of my weight gain has been in my stomach (and ummm, yeah boobs) but I still worry that it might be a sign of bad things!
I've been reading the baby books, my favorite of which is "Oh, the places you will go"- which happens to make me cry. Then again, so does the Mother's Day commercial where the woman looks at her brand new baby and says "Hi, I'm your mom." Ughh. Kills me!
So. Busy but good week. I am thinking (hoping) that this week should be a little more chilled out. I am waiting for summer clothes to arrive in the mail, getting a rough draft of my prospectus together, and getting ready for Disney. Good times.
24w 1d
We went to the neurosurgeon about Matt's back last week, as well. As it turns out, he has one degenerated disc in his lumbar region and one herniated disc up higher. The herniation is probably what is causing him the shooting pains down the front (because the lumbar region would be the back apparently). The doctor was really optimistic and seems pretty certain that all will be fixed with a round of cortico-steroids and rest. He goes back in a few weeks to check. So many fears were eased with that appointment!
We are still in a stand still with our house. Urg. I think we are going to have someone come in and clean because between the two of use we are somewhat useless! Many people have offered to come help with the nursery which is so sweet; we will probably have to take them up on it cause there is plenty to do. Nothing is ever easy with us! Oh, no! We are not just painting, but also ripping out part of a wall, taking down all of the trim, staining new trim, and putting it all up. All that before we can paint or put together the crib and changing table! Egh.
I also had my birthday this week (the big 2-4) and just really felt blessed by everyone around me. Matt had to go away for business for my birthday, so we went out Thursday evening for dinner (after already having celebrated with most of my RPI friends Wednesday night and Thursday morning). Matt got me an automatic car starter for my new car, which is so exciting! Friday morning my sister showed up with a top hat, a bunch of balloons, flowers, candy, and Wawa fruit punch! I spent the day with friends getting lunch, manicure and pedicure. Lovely! Then I got to go out with my family for dinner.
Saturday, my dad took me and the family to a Yankees game, where we lost, which was a really good time.
So, all in all, a really good week.
I also went in for my 6 month check in. The doctor assured me there was no concern about my weight gain- even though I am a bit concerned! Her words, in fact, were "You're young, skip desserts after you have the baby and you'll be fine." She also gave me the okay to head to Disney next week (yay!) and the script for my glucose test. I am actually quite nervous about the glucose test. She says she would be "shocked" if it came back positive, but I'm not sure she could really judge that by looking at me. I think most of my weight gain has been in my stomach (and ummm, yeah boobs) but I still worry that it might be a sign of bad things!
I've been reading the baby books, my favorite of which is "Oh, the places you will go"- which happens to make me cry. Then again, so does the Mother's Day commercial where the woman looks at her brand new baby and says "Hi, I'm your mom." Ughh. Kills me!
So. Busy but good week. I am thinking (hoping) that this week should be a little more chilled out. I am waiting for summer clothes to arrive in the mail, getting a rough draft of my prospectus together, and getting ready for Disney. Good times.
24w 1d
Sunday, April 26, 2009
It's officially summer!
So it's April in NY and I spent the day in the pool. Granted, my dad's pool is heated to about 75-80 degrees, but it was upper 80s today. How fantastic! It was a really great chance to just relax, hang with friends, etc. I stayed nice and hydrated and even got the hot tub down to 99 degrees so I could go in for a bit. Good times.
I am having some wardrobe issues lately, though, as the nice weather has brought on the realization that I have almost no summer clothes. Literally. I tried on every pair of shorts and couldn't even pretend that they might fit me. Luckily my summer dresses all do fit, though being a bit heavier on top these days I need tanks under all of them. Anyway, I tried on a bunch of shorts from both Target and Motherhood maternity and looked instantly like a mom. They went about half way to my knees and were so baggy in the thigh it was just silly. I'm a bit torn about what to do- I may just suck it up and order some from old navy online, though I am worried that if they don't fit I won't be able to return them and get new ones in time for Disney. I may have to just suck it up and wear shorts that aren't exactly my style. It's just one summer right?
Ok, I had more to say but I am really exhausted from all the sun and fresh air. Look forward to a belly pic montage and more to come!
24w 1d
I am having some wardrobe issues lately, though, as the nice weather has brought on the realization that I have almost no summer clothes. Literally. I tried on every pair of shorts and couldn't even pretend that they might fit me. Luckily my summer dresses all do fit, though being a bit heavier on top these days I need tanks under all of them. Anyway, I tried on a bunch of shorts from both Target and Motherhood maternity and looked instantly like a mom. They went about half way to my knees and were so baggy in the thigh it was just silly. I'm a bit torn about what to do- I may just suck it up and order some from old navy online, though I am worried that if they don't fit I won't be able to return them and get new ones in time for Disney. I may have to just suck it up and wear shorts that aren't exactly my style. It's just one summer right?
Ok, I had more to say but I am really exhausted from all the sun and fresh air. Look forward to a belly pic montage and more to come!
24w 1d
Friday, April 24, 2009
New Start!
Ok, so the blog is now public. I just went through and deleted a bunch of posts from the last few months only because they dealt with some really personal issues I don't really need the whole world knowing. So I know there's not a whole lot on here at the moment, but I will be fixing that. Anyway, let's catch up quickly, shall we?
For the last 3.5 months I have been reading and studying and outlining my face off. As of today I have finished my third and final doctoral candidacy exam. I am, for the most part, freeeee! On Thursday I will go in to school for a few hours to be grilled by my committee as they ask me all sorts of questions about the 50+ pages and 75+ authors in my exam answers. After deliberating they will choose whether or not I have earned my spot as an actual doctoral candidate. Woot!
I have a whole list of things in my planner that I want/need to do for the baby. I was so focused on studying, that every time I would think of a baby thing I wanted to look up or buy I would write it on a list of "baby items" to take care of post-exams. I am so excited to begin tackling that list now!
We were, however, able to accomplish the start of our registry while I was buried in books. They are no where near done, though, and I have just been informed that they will have to be finished before my shower invites go out in a couple of weeks. What? Shower? What? How did I get that far along? I am almost 6 months... In fact, I am one week from V-Day- the age of viability.
While I am happy to be at the point where little Baby Wood stands a good chance of life outside the happy little home of my belly, I would still prefer at least another 13 or so weeks to get everything ready. Oh, and to make sure BW is super healthy, obviously!
Getting ready is a big stress right now as Matt has hurt his back and been laid up for the last 2+ weeks. He goes tomorrow (on a Saturday? weird) for an MRI to see if he has a herniated disc. I'm not sure exactly what the protocol for fixing one of those is, but I'm sure it's not lugging and putting together furniture or knocking down walls and putting up new trim. Egh. I'm hoping with all our really handy friends we can pull out a few favors and get things done. Because, well- 3-4 months really isn't that long.
Ok, I think that's all the catch-up for now. Tonight our hot plans include chinese food and the Yankees game. And making up for the sleep I've lost in the last few weeks. Night!
22w 6d
For the last 3.5 months I have been reading and studying and outlining my face off. As of today I have finished my third and final doctoral candidacy exam. I am, for the most part, freeeee! On Thursday I will go in to school for a few hours to be grilled by my committee as they ask me all sorts of questions about the 50+ pages and 75+ authors in my exam answers. After deliberating they will choose whether or not I have earned my spot as an actual doctoral candidate. Woot!
I have a whole list of things in my planner that I want/need to do for the baby. I was so focused on studying, that every time I would think of a baby thing I wanted to look up or buy I would write it on a list of "baby items" to take care of post-exams. I am so excited to begin tackling that list now!
We were, however, able to accomplish the start of our registry while I was buried in books. They are no where near done, though, and I have just been informed that they will have to be finished before my shower invites go out in a couple of weeks. What? Shower? What? How did I get that far along? I am almost 6 months... In fact, I am one week from V-Day- the age of viability.
While I am happy to be at the point where little Baby Wood stands a good chance of life outside the happy little home of my belly, I would still prefer at least another 13 or so weeks to get everything ready. Oh, and to make sure BW is super healthy, obviously!
Getting ready is a big stress right now as Matt has hurt his back and been laid up for the last 2+ weeks. He goes tomorrow (on a Saturday? weird) for an MRI to see if he has a herniated disc. I'm not sure exactly what the protocol for fixing one of those is, but I'm sure it's not lugging and putting together furniture or knocking down walls and putting up new trim. Egh. I'm hoping with all our really handy friends we can pull out a few favors and get things done. Because, well- 3-4 months really isn't that long.
Ok, I think that's all the catch-up for now. Tonight our hot plans include chinese food and the Yankees game. And making up for the sleep I've lost in the last few weeks. Night!
22w 6d
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